Mistakes, Guilt, and Regret — Welcome to the Club
Forgive me if you are much younger than I am in middle-age (yes, I do plan on living into my 100’s), and you hear your mother’s voice in your head as you read this. I am (probably) not your mother, but we may sound similar at certain times in certain light. I spent many years surrounded by people in the 20–35-year-old range, usually in light of their failing, be it a course, a relationship, a life lesson. I, too, have failed at more than I prefer to remember. I don’t think one can get to their 30’s without more than a few mistakes, perhaps some guilt, and/or a load of regret. If you have, then, by all means, ‘slap my ass and call me Sally,’ then pony-up some proof because the rest of us mere mortals don’t buy it. Below is a compilation of “if we could go back, we would” our down and dirty list of attitudes and actions you might give serious thought to rethinking; the sooner, the better.
Guilty Pleasures…
by definition, are ‘something pleasurable that induces a usually minor feeling of guilt” (Guilty pleasure. (n.d.) In Merriam-Webster’s collegiate dictionary. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/guilty pleasure). The problem with Guilty Pleasures is that when we overindulge, which is oh, so easy to do, we can find ourselves flirting with addiction, “compulsively committed or helplessly drawn to a practice or habit or to something psychologically or physically habit-forming” (Addicted. (n.d.) In Dictionary.com. http://www.dictionary.com/browse/addictednary/addicted). The occasional overindulgence will probably not kill you or leave you fraught with guilt, but even the wine/coffee rollercoaster, if you’re unable to trade it for the carousel, can become a problem. Ask yourself these questions: Can you maintain personal and professional relationships under your current consumption? Can you accept losses with grace, or are you drowning in tears as you finish the first bottle? On a Tuesday? It’s time to do the “Before and After Picture Test’. Take a close-up, unfiltered selfie on Monday morning before coffee. One sober week later, take another. Compare your before and after pics. Are your eyes bright and white? Or dull with too many tiny red veins? Is your complexion somewhat smooth and evenly toned, or do you have darkness lurking under your eyes? Does the overall shape of your face match your body-type, or is it puffy and bloated out of proportion from the rest of you? (I’m aware that there are people who possess an early morning supermodel glow. And to those of you who do, the rest of us trust you have your own crosses to bear, but we’re still rolling our eyes your way.) If your recreational substance use oversteps the boundary of Guilty Pleasures, adjust accordingly by cutting back. If you find this exercise impossible because you can’t go a full week without these indulgences, consider you could have a problem before it becomes The Problem. Visit aa.org for Alcoholics Anonymous or https://marijuana-anonymous.org/ for na.org Narcotics Anonymous for more information.
Wasting time…
that we know, but don’t want to think about, is limited. We all get 24 hours, 1440 minutes. If 480 minutes is spent at work and another 480 minutes we are asleep, we’re down to our last 480 minutes, 8 hours. If we subtract time for self-care; eating, exercising, personal hygiene, friends, and family, we’re down, give or take, another 4 hours. This leaves us 240 minutes of our very own, 240 minutes of opportunity to do more, do better. (I’m aware this doesn’t include days off from work that may allow for additional minutes, but you get the drift.) What do you want to do more of? Be better at? Earn more money? Start a business? Change careers? But you also want to binge-watch The Crown, and you just joined a Call of Duty Warzone competition? Oh, the choices our brains will make if left on their own. The day I realized I spent 240 minutes playing Words With Friends, I wanted to think my phone was broken. There was no way I could have pissed away all of that time playing a game, that quite honestly, I’m not good at and don’t find relaxing at all. It wasn’t quality time in any way I spun it. I couldn’t even convince myself that it broadened my vocabulary. It was just my obsessive nature running amuck. You have to assess yourself. Decide how many minutes is reasonable to waste away and still accomplish those short-term goals that will pave the way to long-term success. I have to set a timer. My WWF stats are dismal, but World WWF Champion is not one of my life’s goals, so there’s that.
Avoiding family….
might be necessary for various reasons, but think about what you want your life to look like in the future. Assume you will live to 100 (or older if you’re the fortuitous product of longevity genes), then use the backward design approach. Health must be a priority to wannabe centenarians, so you may want to trade in the Big Macs for the big salad, soda for water, the chocolate for… fine, we’ll keep the chocolate as a guilty pleasure. And we all know we need exercise. Walk, run, dance, just move your body. But, we don’t always realize that supportive family and friends are also crucial to a long, full life. Do you avoid holidays because your mother drives you mad? Or, Uncle Billy, who makes it his mission to share with you his political, religious, and racists views? Yes, most of us have versions of these kinsfolk too. But, remember, most of them will be dead by the time you hit your elder years. Don’t clear the forest for a few bad weeds. And, you may be able to find meaningful bonds in in-laws, various forms of halves or steps, and cousins too. Many can be close in age, and you’ll already have a foundation to build on, even if it’s to commiserate about Aunt Judy’s stench of patchouli. If you don’t have this option, begin to build your own family from friends and colleagues. Go, watch It’s a Wonderful Life, make some calls, travel COVID-conscientiously to family events, or just meet them for tiny, overpriced coffees.
Overlooking professionals who can help you…
but instead, turning to self-help lists. (Well, don’t stop reading now….) Most of adulting is knowing what you need, where to find it, then actually doing it. If you need to vent, don’t call your mother, don’t overburden your friends, pay a professional. Adults pay therapists for better mental health, dentists for cavities, etc. If you have health insurance, consult their website. Most health insurance coverage includes counseling or therapy. And, I just saw a company benefits package that includes a subscription to a meditation app. How enlightening!
Now is the perfect time to learn how to do the right thing for yourself, even if you don’t want to. Now is also the perfect time to start making promises to yourself and learning how to keep them. It’s rarely a bad idea to reevaluate the choices we’re making. Uncomfortable? Absolutely. But if our chosen roads get us lost, then why not? That’s all; just a few ideas that may make your future a bit clearer. Isn’t that all we need (and a little chocolate)?
